Something I thought I would share with you (Some profanity)

rhyknow · Guest

Hi gang, I was feeling a little down the other day (depression cuz my girlfriend dumped me) so I listened to some Bill Hicks. He was an american comedian in the 80's and early 90's and he wasn't very well known in the US. His comedy was mostly political. Since I base my whole philosophy of life and the way to act towards others, religion and the government on his "teachings" I thought i would share some of his words with y'all...

"I pray for the day when L.A. is flushed down that toilet called the West Coast leaving only a sweet serenity called Arizona Bay..."

(replying to someone in the audience) "What, you mean to tell me that when your kids get to a certain age, they are off your love list? F**k you and if that's the way your parents brought you up then f**k them too. Your love for all the people of the world should be unconditional"

"It's my last show tonight... yeah, i've got a new show on HBC called 'let's hunt and kill Billy Ray Siris'... It's pretty self explanatory"

"Anybody working in advertising should kill themselves now..."

"I hate creationists who say 'god created me in one day.' Yep, looks like he skipped a few!!"

"I have one question for all you fundamentalist christians who don't beleive in evolution. It's a question in the form of one word: Dinosaurs..."

"People are wondering why Jesus hasn't come down to earth yet. Here's a guess, he sees everyone wearing crosses around their neck. It's like walking up to Jackie O with a sniper pendant around your neck"

(on the Kennedy assassination)
"Yeah, i went to the Kennedy assassination museum in the book despository. It's great, they have a reconstruction of the sniper spot exactly as it was the day Kennedy got shot and you know, it's really accurate... Because Oswald ain't there"

"You know what I did when Bush [senior] lost the election? I screamed from the fu**ing rooftop. 'Yeah, the years of hatred, racism and war are over!!! YEAHHHH!!!!!"

"When Bush first got elected, he was like the wimp president. apparently this nickname got him annoyed. the Iraqis, 'We surrender!!!' Bush replies 'not good enough!'"

"I'll tell you why the war in iraq wasn't a war. a war is when TWO armies are fighting"

"I've had good times on drugs and bad times on drugs, that is a fact. I've also had good and bad relationships"

"You only ever see negative acid/LSD stories on the news, you know? I see 'A young man on acid jumped off the top of a twelve story building, because he thought he could fly. What a tragedy' What a Dick! If he thought he could fly, why didn't he try taking off from the ground first? I wanna see a report like this; 'today a young man on acid realised that we are all brothers and sisters, that we have all one conciessness and that we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather!"

"You know why you spend the first 15 minutes on shrooms laughing? Because you remember that they grow on cow turds!"

"I'm very ill. I'll be leaving soon so i'll give you all my vision for the perfect world. If we took all the money we spend engineering weapons and other killing machines in this corporate ratrace called life, we would have enough money to feed, cloth and house everyone in the entire world many times over and still have enough money to explore space together. I've been Bill Hicks. I love you all. goodnight..."

ilovecoheed · Posted: Apr Wed 05, 2006 8:53 pm Post subject:

That's good stuff man....i'm really sorry aobut your g/f....you'll eventually realize that she just wasn't the one for you. I'm currently in a relationship where i like my g/f a lot....but i just don't think she's the one for me....i don't think i really love her, and it hurts....but i'll get over it.

i hope you feel better man....you always got us here at strange happenings! Very Happy

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fratka · Posted: Apr Thu 06, 2006 7:01 am Post subject:

No, I haven't heard of him but from the looks of his comic style I wish I had.

As for the breakup! Count your blessings, it's best to find out you are not right for each other before you have been married for 10 years and have children. There are too many smart and beautiful women out there to dwell on past relationships. Learn from it and carry on....

Also, just in case you don't already know this...never allow the pains of past relationships to affect future ones. In other words, love like you have never been hurt.
_________________
Frank Ratka

Death does not exist!
http://thecontactfield.blogspot.com/

shaybeck · Guest

I've never heard of "Bill Hicks" either but giggled through what you wrote.... Laughing

and as far as the girl friend problem... I'll just say: "ditto" on what Frank posted....

rhyknow · Guest

lol, thanks guys, I feel a little better. Will post some more quotes soon!! Very Happy

shaybeck · Guest

Cool rhyknow....would love to read them....glad your feeling better....

rhyknow · Guest

ok, I have listened to some more of his CDs and here goes:

"I noticed that during the L.A. riots, everyone saw that truck driver Reginald Denny getting pulled out of his truck and getting his ass kicked on world televison, that everyone in the world thought the same thing: STEP ON THE FU**ING GAS MAN! It's Ok now though. He doesn't stop anymore. you'll have some 60 year old granny with a baby in her arms trying to cross the road, HONK!!! she tries to run. She ain't fast enough. Reginald's boss says to himself later 'hey that Reginald Denny is a model employee! Every delivery of his is ahead of schedule. It's like he ain't stopping at all! I would give him a promotion, but whenever I go near him he backs away!'"

"I left L.A. the day the riots started. I was about to board the plane, I said to everyone 'Bye guys!' 'Bye Bill!' 'Have fun!' Oh, we will Bill, we will!' the next day I arrive in the UK and I pass a newspaper stand reading 'LA burns to ground'. Shit, did I leave a cigarette lit?"

(on crime in england) "Whew! you guys have the pussiest crime in the world! I read in a newspaper yesterday 'Some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftsbury lastnight. I imagine these 'hooligans' to be middle aged guys in penny loafers! But I tell you, I'd like to see the hooligans of the UK up aginst the Bloods of LA. Can you imagine, 'we're the hooligans...' BANG 'What he say? Pale S.O.B'"

"One of my big fears in life is that i'm gonna die and you know, me parents are gonna find the porno wing in my apartement. My mom would have a stroke."

(On anti drug televising)"How dare you have a
wino tell me not to use drugs. I see the advert the guy with the skillet 'This is your brain on drugs. Here's your drugs, just say no, why do you think they call it dope?' JESUS!"

"You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: 'Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.' How do you know that? 'Uh, well ... we looked at the receipts."

"I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of 'em. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet: 'Pick it up.' 'I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me.' 'Pick up the gun.' 'Mister, I don't want no trouble, huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, mister.' 'Pick up the gun.' Boom, boom. 'You all saw him. He had a gun.'"

#

"Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is 12 thousand years old. Swear to God! Based on what? I asked them. 'Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages – 12 thousand years.' Well, how fu**ing scientific! Okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good."

"You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? 'That's right.' Okay, I got one word to ask you. A one word question. Ready? 'Uh-uh.' Dinosaurs."

You know, the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and they existed in that time ... you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. 'And lo, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus ... with a splinter in his paw. And O, the disciples did run a-shrieking: "What a big fu**ing lizard, Lord!" But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fu**ing families and their fat dollar bills. And O, Scotland did praise the Lord: "Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord."'

"You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved?"

"Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?"

"I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now."

"Not all drugs are good. Some ... are great."

"Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!"

I am available for children's parties, by the way ...I'm Beelzebozo, The Clown. [singing] It's Beelzebozo time..."

"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, 'Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because this is just a ride ...' And we ... kill those people. Ha ha, 'Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

* "People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"

* "I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live ... and shut your fu**ing mouth!"

"Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight!"

See, I know you've employed some kind of eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke; let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble and send you hurtling back to reality – because you're dead too. And you know what doctors say: 'S**t, if only you'd smoked, we'd have the technology to help you. It's you people dying from nothing who are screwed.'"

"To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says: Warning: Smoking can cause fetal damage or premature birth. F**k it – I've found my brand! 'Yeah, give me a carton of Low Birth Weights.' Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around, it is your body."

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you."

"The rock stars today who don't do drugs and who in fact speak out against drugs – 'We're rock against drugs!' ... Boy, they suck."

"You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favour. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years ... rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreal fu**ing high on drugs. The Beatles were so fu**ing high they let Ringo sing a few songs."

*

"They say rock 'n' roll is the devil's music. Well, let's say that it is; I've got news for you. Let's say that rock'n'roll is the devil's music and we know it for a fact to be the absolutely, unequivitely true.

Boy, at least he fu**in' jams! Ha ha ha ha! Okay? Did you hear that correctly? If it's a choice between eternal hell and good tunes and eternal heaven and new kids on the fu**in' block ... I'm gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rockin' out ... high five at Satan every time I pass the motherfu**in' shore!"

"You know, if you play New Kids On The Block albums backwards ... they sound better. Gives them that edge they're missing, puts some hair on their balls."

"When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who rocked! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit. I want someone who plays from his heart!"

"I actually did that act one night in the south. Then, after the show, these three rednecks came up to me. 'Hey buddy, we're Christians and we didn't like what you said.' I said, 'Then forgive me.' Later on, when I was hanging from the tree ..."

"It's good to see that you australians also teach your kids the story of Jesus by telling them that a giant bunny... left chocloate eggs in the night"

"Do you all have different books in the Bible than I do? Are you all Gideons? Who are the Gideons? Ever met one, no! Ever seen one, no! But they're all over the world, putting bibles in hotel rooms! Every one of them: 'This Bible was placed here by a Gideon.' When? I've been here all day and I haven't seen shit! I saw the cleaning crew come and go, I saw the minibar guy come and go, I've never laid eyes on a Gideon! ... Where are they from? Gidea? I'm gonna capture me a gideon"

"People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch of paper with a pen. Give me an Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping 'aren't humanity neat?' bull. We're a virus with shoes, OK? That's all we are."

*

"What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big, healthy gutlaugh. Ha ha ha ha!

Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they're totally divided on abortion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people ... are evil fu**s. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house: 'They're annoying, they're idiots.' 'They're evil, they're fu**s!' Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiots? I beseech you. But that's me ..."

"'We're pro-life.' Eww, you look it! You look like you're filled with life."

"'I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid. Does my penis make me a bad boy? That's what they told me!'{gunshot, gunshot}... Please, give me the Satan-worshipping family down the block ... the ones that have the good albums."

"Here is my actual theory ... beyond the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory, though: If you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here, that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it to get it out of a horrible situation. Okay? People say, 'Why don't you do that?' And I say, 'Because I hate kids and couldn't care less.' Couldn't give a f**k. Don't care at all about abortion. It's your choice, case closed, the end, bottom line. And by the way, that 3 month old kid in your belly is not a fucking human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congregated cells. You're not a human ... till you're in my phonebook."

"I hate patriotism. I can't stand it.... It's a round world, last time I checked."

"Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him? Can't you see his fat body in a tub while Reagan, Quayle and Bush just ... [pee noise] Just standing around peeing on him, and his piggly-wiggly can't get hard. So they call in Barbara Bush ..."

I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I'm not sorry if you are offended, I'm actually sorry – just the fact that you're Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence."

"How much do you smoke, sir? Two packs a day, is that right? Pussy. I go through two lighters a day. That's right, two lighters! You're a health nut compared to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers compared to me." (Flying Saucer Tour, 1991)

"Tell you, the worst kind of non-smokers' the kind where you're smokin' and they just walk up to you ... [starts coughing affectedly] I always say, 'Damn, you're lucky you don't smoke. That's some cough you got there, dude. I'm smoking, you're coughing. Wow.' That's kind of cruel, man. Going up to a smoker and coughing. Damn! Do you go up to crippled people dancing too, you assholes? 'Hey, Mr. Wheelchair. What's your problem? Come on ironside, race ya!'"

"I was on the aeroplane coming over here. It's a non-smoking plane – get this, right? No smoking, but they allow children. Hmmm. 'Well, smoking bothers me.' Well, guess what ...?"

"Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye."

"I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is impossible. 'Hey, buddy!' 'Hey, what?' 'Ummmmmmm ...' End of argument."

"I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show, I went to a waffle house. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm eating, I'm alone and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, what you readin' for?' Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading ... for. 'Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hm ... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is ... so I don't end up being a waffle waitress.' But then, this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes: 'Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.' What the hell's going on here? It's not like I walked into a clan rally in a Boy George outfit, God damn it. It's a book!"

"I don't understand anything, so there you go ... You know what my problem is? I watch too much news, man. That's my problem, that's why I'm so depressed all the time. I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don't know if you've ever sat around and watched CNN more than, I don't know, 20 hours in one day ... I don't recommend that. Watch CNN Headline News for 1 hour, it's the most depressing thing you'll ever fucking do. 'WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION. WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS ...' Then, you look out your window ... [makes cricket noises] Where's all this shit happening? Ted Turner's making this shit up! Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: '"By 1992, we will all die of AIDS." Read that on the air. I don't get laid, no one gets laid!' I'm writing Jane Fonda: 'Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?' I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: 'Hey, it's all going to work out. Here's sports.'"

I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust."

"That's one thing about travelling man, you stay in hotels all the time. Anybody here stay in hotels on a regular basis? Can you help me with something – does 'Do Not Disturb' mean 'Knock Immediately' in Spanish?"

"I used to drink, I did. I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing in their lights thinking I'd made it to the next club."

"The Loch Ness monster is actually a submarine. Driven by Bigfoot."

*

"'Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag.'

'Really? I bought mine. Yeah, they sell them at K-Mart and shit.'

'He died in the Korean War.'

'Wow, what a coincidence. Mine was made in Korea.'

No one – and I repeat, no one – has ever died for a flag. See, a flag ... is just a piece of cloth. They may have died for freedom, which is also the freedom to burn the fuckin' flag, see. That's freedom."

"While I was in England, I got to see footage of the Rodney King trial that I was never able to see over here. I think I figured out why the LA riots occurred. Did you guys see these cops testifying? Did these guys have balls or what? They carry their ball in a wheelbarrow. '"Cuse me, 'cuse me, man with big balls coming through. Man with big balls is here to testify.' 'Please place your right testicle on the bible.' BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOMMMM. This guy, Officer Coon ... is life too weird or what? Officer Coon actually look into the camera and says: 'Yeah, that Rodney King beating tape, it's all in how you look at it.' The courtroom murmurs: "Jesus, what balls." ... 'Really? How would you look at it, Officer Coon?' 'Well, if you play it backwards, you see us pick King up and helping him on his way.' Mmm ... not guilty."

there you go... Any others I won't put on the forums for fear of being banned!

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shaybeck · Guest

Hehehe....that was a good read...I'm always up for a little laugh......Thanks for posting it.. 8)

Bryce · Guest

i've heard bits and peices of him. I "found" some bill hicks after reading this. omfg this guy is funny.

Aedryan Methyus · Posted: Apr Mon 17, 2006 2:59 am Post subject:

You must have been reading my mind, Rhy. I've been meaning to ask you who Bill Hicks is.

- Aedryan
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Aedryan Methyus · Posted: Apr Mon 17, 2006 2:59 am Post subject:

You must have been reading my mind, Rhy. I've been meaning to ask you who Bill Hicks is.

- Aedryan
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rhyknow · Guest

hokay... Bill hicks was an american stand-up comedian in the 80s to early 90s. He started to perform in adult comedy clubs at the age of 14 and later on got his first bug break on the letterman show. Unfortunatly, due to his anti bush-and-douches philosophy, he was eventually banned from performing on US television, rendering him almost unknown in the US. So, he went to the UK where he became almost an overnight success. Unfortunately he died of pancreatic cancer th 26th february 1994